Getting to the home stretch

Well… I sit here in my bed alone and wonder what the heck is the point of all of this. Tim mentioned to me that sometimes it takes a catastrophic event in ones life in order for them to wake up essentially and live. I think when we are born …we are born with this overwhelming sense of wanting to live but then life wears you down…so many rules and how to and expectations of others on how one should act that the living that you originally intended to do becomes secondary to “normal” life. We forget how to love truly, play truly and laugh and have fun! I have only two more chemo treatments left but this scares me to death. What am I going to do after CANCER…i know I can do anything but it almost seems like there is nothing else as important. I don't want to fall into the same patterns before that I was not happy with. I want it be a great mother and maybe someday wife again. But how do you choose a career path that you know will never make you happy. I feel like there is something else out there looming…GREATNESS! How to achieve it with still being simple and living a simple life with my kiddos. I have struggled this week with feelings of confusion. My brain starts on a path and then it is unable to complete it…it has surfaced its ugly head in all aspects of my life and I am here to say that I make mistakes all the time and still have a ton of learning to do. I want to make sure as I grow as a person that I remain a respectful person to my friends and loved ones. I think that we are all guilty of becoming comfortable with one another and we tend to lose respect that  we once had. It is all about respect. Treating others the way you would want to be treated>

 

Night Crazies! Love Ya

Been a While

 

 

So lets be real…this whole blog thing is not as easy to keep up with obviously….but because everyone has been asking me to update it i thought i would…when I say everyone I mean 2 people…lmao. So my thoughts for today…2 more chemo treatments to go…this scares the hell out of me. I am excited to almost be done but every time i go to club chemo there are more and more people that I meet that have to keep coming back. I try to justify in my head that maybe they have a different cancer or maybe they didnt take care of them self but the reality is that could be me in a few months. I pray for that not to happen because this whole cancer thing is annoying.  When I say annoying I mean the most ridculous kind…worse than your older brother holding his finger about an inch from your head saying he is not touching you.

I added an easier way to add to my blog so hopefully this will help keep up…

 

Hair Count : I am up to 4 strands (Thanks Beth for helping with the count)

Weight : Still keeping it real with my thickness

Feel : ok so far this week..just had a 5 hour chemo sesh today!

 

xoxoxoxoxoxo

Thanks for all of the love friends!

One day at a time....

So this last week has been quite busy...the kids were back with me and although they were in and out back and forth between home and wonderful friends houses it was a lot. Savannah who happens to be 7 years old now is all drama and sassy...( I have no idea where she got that from??... Insert remark here..) HAH. She has been very sensitive to the fact that I am sore but she also doesnt understand that her whining has the same affect as if she were jumping on my stomach.. I love her to pieces. She has taken over medication reminders and duties when Bryan has not been able to and bless her little heart she was holding my drains up for me while I was cleaning my self up. She is eagar to help and I love that about her. I am proud of her for her compassion. She is so beautiful inside and out and I feel so blessed to have her in my life... Riley is just as wonderful. He seems to understand more about the disease and he has been very sensitive and compassionate but also more emotional about the whole thing. His approach has been to stand back a little more than Savannah and just be there when I ask or need him to be. I do get the "I love you mom" from him all the time. I think that Riley is internalizing this a little more and he has shown that he is becoming more sensistive to other things that people say or do. I am sure he is feeling overwhelmed and I am doing my best to make him feel as comfortable and as loved as possible. He has always been my sensitive little man and I never want that to change.

I held him the other night as he cried..He would not say exactly what it was that he was upset about but he just wanted to cry. I think he is doing his best to be a strong man for his mom...I love him for that but he is still my little boy..

Update on the C word...it still sucks..LOL... I have decided to make some changes in my life that I will be annoucing soon but until then I have my first oncologists appt tomorrow....for those of you who are not as smart as I am...(kidding I only know cause I got cancer)...that is the chemo doctor...they will set me up on my chemo schedule and I will find out exactly how long I will have to go through this part of the treatment....there can be some pretty nasty side effects to chemo so I get to ask all sorts of questions...

What is so striking to me is the fact that after all of this time and reserach that has gone into cancer and cancer treatment..the best they have come up with is chop it up...cut it off and poison the person to the brink of death but not enough to kill them..this is standard practice for cancer treatment...I have looked into alternative methods and have begun to take some steps into hollistic ways to fight cancer as well...easier said then done..when all of the doctors you are going to are telling you this is the way to fight it.

If anyone has heard of other ways please let me know..

Love everyone! Thanks for listening!

PS..the message from church on sunday was all about strenghth and courage..I thought it was quite approipiate and somehow he always knows what I need to hear to get me through the day.

I hate cancer...

Sooooo.....everyone who has been placing their bets on when this would sink in....well it has officially sunk in....I am not in that much pain but I am emotionally and pysically drained from everything...I have been having lots of visitors and the company is nice but I am in my bed "alone" for the first night in a while and it feels nice. I feel completely and utterly ALONE though...I have people who love me all around me and who are willing to give the world to me but I still feel alone. THere is no one to fight the battle for me...When we thik of these cancers we really do not consider...at least i didnt the effect it has on everyone. People dont know how to act...familes go through horrible things it is hard all the way around. I am tired of everyone expecting me to feel one way..shit I dont know how I feel...your too happy..your too bitchy..your too picky...you should take this more seriously...I am tired of this stupid fucking disease and it is just the beggining. It is weird but I have begun to take less pain meds because I dont feel like I can think while I am on them. I want to experience all of this because I dont know what else to do. GOD I want to scream right now....I am not in pain I just dont know where to go or what to do next...

My ex mother in law...passed away today of cancer...she was a huge part of my life and she DIED...just gone like that..it gives me the chills to know that i have something in me that is deadly.....CANCER ..the word even sounds gross....I am glad that it is cut out but I still feel like it is lingering in me. FOr those that did not get the update they found it in my lymph nodes during surgery and it has spread into my armpit lympnodes...They removed them all..This does not change anything for my chemo but it changed a lot in my head..for some reason i was trying to convince myself that it was less than it was and when my doctor asked my friends about my jokes and if I understood exactly how serious this really was ...well that freaked me out...Im scared..yup ...I said it Im scared...I dont want to die..I am not ready to die.


To top it all off my insurance has refused to pay for anything...preexisting condition...This on top of cancer will be my next battle so if anyone knows anything about this I would appriciate help. I am going to be putting togeher a benefit of some sort (well my girls will) so I can make sure I can get the treatment that I need.



I feel like I am rambling...time to call Bryan..say good night and start it all again tomorrow.


SO my quote out of one of my new favorite books is this


" Boil it all down to what counts the most: What is the essence of what you are trying to do,what is the most important thing? Things only get complicated when you are trying to address too many issues." Audrey Hepburn

I dont know what day it is????

So i have realized that updating this blog everyday may be a little unrealistic but I am going to do my best...Let's see.. This weekend was great. I got to spend it with my friends and family. Had a going away party for the tatas...lots of fun, laughter and tears but all in all I feel so blessed to be surrounded by so many positive people.

I took the kids to see Alice and Wonderland tonight. Highly reccomend seeing it in 3 d. It was great. I want to spend as much quality time with the kids since I feel like I am not going to be as exciting to them in the coming months.

I feel a little bit like Alice right now..like I am in a dream..like i fell down a rabbit hole and everything in my world is spirling around me at a pace I cant keep up with. Nothing makes sense in this new "wonderland". I feel like the weight of the world is resting on my chest..Yes they feel heavy and gross and I am very anxious to cut them off. Only 1 day left and then it is off to the hospital..that I am grateful for..I dont think I can wait another day. Alice does realize halfway through the movie that she doesnt have to continue to live her life by going off of what everyone else wants for her..she decides that the fate of "wonderland" is in her owns hands and that it is up to her to make everything better. I can relate to that. I am the only one who is going to fight this and decide what the outcome may be..of course the doctors (tweedle dum and tweedle dee)...friends (mad hatters,door mouse, the crazy hair) and family (chesire the cat and the cute caterpillar) will be there to guide and help along the way when I need it..but in the end I have to make my own choices and decisions that will lead to my fate. The cancer is like that Jabberwocky. He is going to end up losing his head in the end..LOL "off with her boobs". The shitty thing is that there is no Johnny Depp anywhere to be found here.

I love you all and cant wait to continue this journey. So in honor of Lewis Carrol and his wonderfeull imagination...a quote to levae you to think of.

"Sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."
Lewis Carroll

Day 4 and 5

So today was different...lots and lots of work to do..well lets go back to yesterday...I had to request a meeting with Riley and Savannah's principal. It seems Rileys grades are starting to slip...dont know if it is just the age...all of the different things happening in his life (back and forth from Dad's) or what but he is becoming very careless with his school work and remembering stuff. He has been up and down with his sugars which might have a little something to do with it as well.

Of course I start crying in the principals office...boo hooo....we talked about plans to make it as easy as possible on the kids for the next few months give or take.


Today just more and more work..the kids rode the bus for the first time. They loved it! It will be much easier on me not having to worry about driving them to and from everyday.

Skip to about 7 pm when I decided to take the kids to Peter Piper Pizza...So many people there. I noticed this huge party of like 3 large long tables..I thought to myself wow that is going to be a big bill..then all of a sudden a huge eruption of applause and screaming. Me and gwen looked up and this little boy could not have been more than 10 (Rileys age) was walking in and he was obviously surprised. He began weeping and many of the adults at the table began weeping as well...so of course me and Gwen started crying...I did not ask what the situation was because I could not muster up any courage..but I saw people wearing silver ribbons and the little boy had no hair and then there were others at the table kids ..some girls that had no hair and I knew. I started to cry even more. This little boy had obviously been through a lot and there were all of his friends and family that were there by his side.

I dont know any details...but all I could think was if this little boy could do it and still put on a smile..that I am going to have no problem...I wanted to go up and hug him...but I was paralyzed by my own fears.

So little boy in the Peter Piper Pizza..Thank you!

Day 3

Good day today! I feel like I am finally getting where I need to be as far as work is concerned. My Best girl Jamie has kindly stepped up and decided to go as crazy as I am with all of these Short Sale Files. (for anyone who works short sales you know what I mean) She is going to be so awesome at it. I know my clients will be in great hands with her! Thanks Jamie!

I am just checking the items off of my list so that I can prepare myself as well as possible for the next few months. I am not quite sure how my body will react to all of this but I need to make sure that I am prepared for the worst and of course anticipating the best...

More x rays and blood tests to be done this week. Chest x ray is for the plastic surgeon so they can determine exactly how high my boobs are SUPPOSE to be..LMAO. When we discussed options for new ones they said we will get you some beautiful 28 year old breasts...of course my smart ass chimes in with "screw that...I want 18 year old boobs". She politely conceded to that request. Apparently people are more likely to do what you ask once you have cancer....OHHHH my poor friends..they are going to have to have that cancer card pulled a few times.

Bryan has been awesome...he puts up with my very witty sense of humor. It helps to laugh about all of this. We are very excited to pick out some wigs....blonde..brunette..maybe a red head. He likes the idea he will be with a different woman every day!

Well THanks for listening. Will keep this up until I cant!

Day 2

Ok so I just re read my post from last night and I cannot blog that late at night ever again. I swear people the cancer has not spread that quickly to my brain..just lack of sleep.. : )

The doctor went well today. I have a surgery date of March 10...fairly quick but not quick enough. I want this crap out of my body now! She went through all of my pre op procedures as well as post op care. The worst part about the post op is going to be the drains that are going to be poking out of so many places....eeewwwhhhh. Well that and the fact that these lovely lady lumps that I have grown quite accustomed will no longer be there. Weird...you dont think about not having them till someone tells you they are taking them off. My mother jokes because I have been talking about getting new ones for so long...she just thinks I am being VERY DRAMATIC in my attempt to get new ones...LOL



Mary went with me and was so nurse like when they started talking about the drains. All i wanted to do was puke..

It is not scary yet..I am not sure why..I am anxious...but not scared. I have had a lot of prayers that have been said for me over the past few weeks and by golly george someone must have prayed a lot for peace..cause that is what I feel..peace with this whole situation..Thank God..

Day 1 Today has been a rougher day than the last have been . It has only been about 1 week and a half since I realized I have Breast Cancer. This is going to be helpful for me to get all of my emotions out on the table.


Has not sunk in yet. I am meeting with the Nurse Navigator tomorrow...dont get too excited I am sure she is just going to tell me a bunch of stuff I have to do to make this all happen.

No Nerves about that just nervous about work.

I will I was a little oder or maybe in a different situation to where I could just focus on getting better and not have to sweat all of these little things that come along with adult hood. Kids had a great weekend with Mary and her little ones...they also went over to Tavens Party. Fun Time.!