Sooooo.....everyone who has been placing their bets on when this would sink in....well it has officially sunk in....I am not in that much pain but I am emotionally and pysically drained from everything...I have been having lots of visitors and the company is nice but I am in my bed "alone" for the first night in a while and it feels nice. I feel completely and utterly ALONE though...I have people who love me all around me and who are willing to give the world to me but I still feel alone. THere is no one to fight the battle for me...When we thik of these cancers we really do not consider...at least i didnt the effect it has on everyone. People dont know how to act...familes go through horrible things it is hard all the way around. I am tired of everyone expecting me to feel one way..shit I dont know how I feel...your too happy..your too bitchy..your too picky...you should take this more seriously...I am tired of this stupid fucking disease and it is just the beggining. It is weird but I have begun to take less pain meds because I dont feel like I can think while I am on them. I want to experience all of this because I dont know what else to do. GOD I want to scream right now....I am not in pain I just dont know where to go or what to do next...
My ex mother in law...passed away today of cancer...she was a huge part of my life and she DIED...just gone like that..it gives me the chills to know that i have something in me that is deadly.....CANCER ..the word even sounds gross....I am glad that it is cut out but I still feel like it is lingering in me. FOr those that did not get the update they found it in my lymph nodes during surgery and it has spread into my armpit lympnodes...They removed them all..This does not change anything for my chemo but it changed a lot in my head..for some reason i was trying to convince myself that it was less than it was and when my doctor asked my friends about my jokes and if I understood exactly how serious this really was ...well that freaked me out...Im scared..yup ...I said it Im scared...I dont want to die..I am not ready to die.
To top it all off my insurance has refused to pay for anything...preexisting condition...This on top of cancer will be my next battle so if anyone knows anything about this I would appriciate help. I am going to be putting togeher a benefit of some sort (well my girls will) so I can make sure I can get the treatment that I need.
I feel like I am rambling...time to call Bryan..say good night and start it all again tomorrow.
SO my quote out of one of my new favorite books is this
" Boil it all down to what counts the most: What is the essence of what you are trying to do,what is the most important thing? Things only get complicated when you are trying to address too many issues." Audrey Hepburn
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I love you Vicky! You have been in my prayers everyday. You will get through this. Scream all you want ... I do it often too . Sorry for Shane's mother's loss , I know that must make you scared in general but you are young and you have motivation to fight this. I love you , give those kids a huge kiss for me and your sweet and wonderful boyfriend too.
ReplyDeleteI am sitting here reading your blog in tears. I am so sorry for everything you are going through. I wish I were there to help with your kids. You are such a strong woman and mother and I admire you. You are in my thoughts and prayers everyday.
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