One day at a time....

So this last week has been quite busy...the kids were back with me and although they were in and out back and forth between home and wonderful friends houses it was a lot. Savannah who happens to be 7 years old now is all drama and sassy...( I have no idea where she got that from??... Insert remark here..) HAH. She has been very sensitive to the fact that I am sore but she also doesnt understand that her whining has the same affect as if she were jumping on my stomach.. I love her to pieces. She has taken over medication reminders and duties when Bryan has not been able to and bless her little heart she was holding my drains up for me while I was cleaning my self up. She is eagar to help and I love that about her. I am proud of her for her compassion. She is so beautiful inside and out and I feel so blessed to have her in my life... Riley is just as wonderful. He seems to understand more about the disease and he has been very sensitive and compassionate but also more emotional about the whole thing. His approach has been to stand back a little more than Savannah and just be there when I ask or need him to be. I do get the "I love you mom" from him all the time. I think that Riley is internalizing this a little more and he has shown that he is becoming more sensistive to other things that people say or do. I am sure he is feeling overwhelmed and I am doing my best to make him feel as comfortable and as loved as possible. He has always been my sensitive little man and I never want that to change.

I held him the other night as he cried..He would not say exactly what it was that he was upset about but he just wanted to cry. I think he is doing his best to be a strong man for his mom...I love him for that but he is still my little boy..

Update on the C word...it still sucks..LOL... I have decided to make some changes in my life that I will be annoucing soon but until then I have my first oncologists appt tomorrow....for those of you who are not as smart as I am...(kidding I only know cause I got cancer)...that is the chemo doctor...they will set me up on my chemo schedule and I will find out exactly how long I will have to go through this part of the treatment....there can be some pretty nasty side effects to chemo so I get to ask all sorts of questions...

What is so striking to me is the fact that after all of this time and reserach that has gone into cancer and cancer treatment..the best they have come up with is chop it up...cut it off and poison the person to the brink of death but not enough to kill them..this is standard practice for cancer treatment...I have looked into alternative methods and have begun to take some steps into hollistic ways to fight cancer as well...easier said then done..when all of the doctors you are going to are telling you this is the way to fight it.

If anyone has heard of other ways please let me know..

Love everyone! Thanks for listening!

PS..the message from church on sunday was all about strenghth and courage..I thought it was quite approipiate and somehow he always knows what I need to hear to get me through the day.

I hate cancer...

Sooooo.....everyone who has been placing their bets on when this would sink in....well it has officially sunk in....I am not in that much pain but I am emotionally and pysically drained from everything...I have been having lots of visitors and the company is nice but I am in my bed "alone" for the first night in a while and it feels nice. I feel completely and utterly ALONE though...I have people who love me all around me and who are willing to give the world to me but I still feel alone. THere is no one to fight the battle for me...When we thik of these cancers we really do not consider...at least i didnt the effect it has on everyone. People dont know how to act...familes go through horrible things it is hard all the way around. I am tired of everyone expecting me to feel one way..shit I dont know how I feel...your too happy..your too bitchy..your too picky...you should take this more seriously...I am tired of this stupid fucking disease and it is just the beggining. It is weird but I have begun to take less pain meds because I dont feel like I can think while I am on them. I want to experience all of this because I dont know what else to do. GOD I want to scream right now....I am not in pain I just dont know where to go or what to do next...

My ex mother in law...passed away today of cancer...she was a huge part of my life and she DIED...just gone like that..it gives me the chills to know that i have something in me that is deadly.....CANCER ..the word even sounds gross....I am glad that it is cut out but I still feel like it is lingering in me. FOr those that did not get the update they found it in my lymph nodes during surgery and it has spread into my armpit lympnodes...They removed them all..This does not change anything for my chemo but it changed a lot in my head..for some reason i was trying to convince myself that it was less than it was and when my doctor asked my friends about my jokes and if I understood exactly how serious this really was ...well that freaked me out...Im scared..yup ...I said it Im scared...I dont want to die..I am not ready to die.


To top it all off my insurance has refused to pay for anything...preexisting condition...This on top of cancer will be my next battle so if anyone knows anything about this I would appriciate help. I am going to be putting togeher a benefit of some sort (well my girls will) so I can make sure I can get the treatment that I need.



I feel like I am rambling...time to call Bryan..say good night and start it all again tomorrow.


SO my quote out of one of my new favorite books is this


" Boil it all down to what counts the most: What is the essence of what you are trying to do,what is the most important thing? Things only get complicated when you are trying to address too many issues." Audrey Hepburn

I dont know what day it is????

So i have realized that updating this blog everyday may be a little unrealistic but I am going to do my best...Let's see.. This weekend was great. I got to spend it with my friends and family. Had a going away party for the tatas...lots of fun, laughter and tears but all in all I feel so blessed to be surrounded by so many positive people.

I took the kids to see Alice and Wonderland tonight. Highly reccomend seeing it in 3 d. It was great. I want to spend as much quality time with the kids since I feel like I am not going to be as exciting to them in the coming months.

I feel a little bit like Alice right now..like I am in a dream..like i fell down a rabbit hole and everything in my world is spirling around me at a pace I cant keep up with. Nothing makes sense in this new "wonderland". I feel like the weight of the world is resting on my chest..Yes they feel heavy and gross and I am very anxious to cut them off. Only 1 day left and then it is off to the hospital..that I am grateful for..I dont think I can wait another day. Alice does realize halfway through the movie that she doesnt have to continue to live her life by going off of what everyone else wants for her..she decides that the fate of "wonderland" is in her owns hands and that it is up to her to make everything better. I can relate to that. I am the only one who is going to fight this and decide what the outcome may be..of course the doctors (tweedle dum and tweedle dee)...friends (mad hatters,door mouse, the crazy hair) and family (chesire the cat and the cute caterpillar) will be there to guide and help along the way when I need it..but in the end I have to make my own choices and decisions that will lead to my fate. The cancer is like that Jabberwocky. He is going to end up losing his head in the end..LOL "off with her boobs". The shitty thing is that there is no Johnny Depp anywhere to be found here.

I love you all and cant wait to continue this journey. So in honor of Lewis Carrol and his wonderfeull imagination...a quote to levae you to think of.

"Sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."
Lewis Carroll